Sex and the Married Woman
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And Now, An Update on What You Already Know
Right before I married my husband, a well-meaning, much older female friend gave me this free advice:
"If you want to stay married, have a lot of sex. And have all different kinds of sex. You'll see what I mean."
All different kinds of sex? Huh?. I wasn't sure I wanted to know what that meant - I'm on the conservative side. But now, I see. And believe me, I have ALLLLLLL kinds of sex. So do all married women.
Married ladies, read on, and recognize. . .
"Git Er Done Sex"
You need the faucet replaced on the master bathroom sink, but it's been a long week. Your partner is exhausted, but probably not too exhausted (wink, wink). You bust your move, and 30 minutes later, you're out getting a manicure while your husband installs the new faucet. This is "Git Er Done Sex."
"Stop Bitching About How You Don't Get Sex" Sex
My husband loves to make up statistics. He never cites credible sources. He does hold a Psychology degree from a prestigious University and he is funny, in addition to being smooth talker. But, when I hear that the average middle class married American couple has sex an average of 6-8 times per week, and what do I think about how we compare, statistically, I get the message, and give it up. I call that "Stop Bitching About How You Don't Get Sex" sex.
"I'm Sorry About My Family" Sex
This one is popular around the holidays, and I don't even think it really needs any explanation.
"Yes, Aunt Flo Has Packed Her Bags and Left" Sex
Don't confuse this with the above-mentioned "I'm Sorry About My Family" sex. Aunt Flo probably does visit more frequently than your own mother, but she's a different kind of kin - the painful kind that shows up once a month (uninvited, I might add) and overstays her welcome by at least a day or two. Your partner rolls his eyes during her visit, and keeps asking when she is going to leave. Once you're sure she has gone, you get to have the obligatory "Yes, Aunt Flo Has Packed Her Bags and Left" sex. Yee haw.
The upshot to this? Those months that she doesn't show or shows up late can be even MORE stressful than when she does. This is especially true if you already have 2 or 3 kids. Just be glad when she does show, and do what you gotta do oncce she leaves.
"Damn That Was a Short Recovery" Sex
This sex is made more special since you only have it a few times during your marriage. That makes it an extra special treat!
It only occurs after the births of your children, or after serious surgeries. We all know that once you give birth and bring the little anklebiter home from the hospital, you are told to "take it easy." According to your OB, that means "Nothing in the vagina." By the way, I am always puzzled by that phrase. . .um. . .aren't there only like a couple of options here, anyway? (Please, please do not answer that in the comments section.) I digress. Point is, you're supposed to take it easy, and that means no (in Chuck Woolery's words) whoopie. What do I say to that?
WHOOPIE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Who the hell can even think about having sex after they have given birth? Are you kidding me? Talk about blasted landscape. But those 6-8 weeks fly by like Lance Armstrong on a downhill slope, don't they? Before you know it, you're faced with "Damn, That Was A Short Recovery" sex. Godspeed, girlfriend.
"Special Occasion Sex"
Valentine's Day, Birthdays, Anniversaries, Groundhog Day (oh, maybe that's just us). The days when one would be expected to have sex - those can all be filed under "Special Occasion Sex." Sadly, this is often the most disappointing of the garden varieties, because of the undue pressure and utter lack of spontaneity. Think back: aren't these the encounters that often end in arguments? Passing out drunk? Falling asleep early? Just 'going through the motions'? It's true, isn't it? Usually "Special Occasion Sex" isn't all that special.
And that brings us to the last category, which is of course my favorite:
"Well, Whaddya Know!? Sex"
Did the kids unexpectedly fall asleep by 7:00 p.m.? Did your husband give you flowers at the end of a particularly hellish day? Well, whaddya know? You feel like having sex!
This is by far the best kind of married sex to have. You must really love the person to appreciate this variety. Both parties must recognize and seize the opportunity. It rarely involves fancy dinners or weekends away or an anniversary date circled on a calendar. Most likely, you'll have on boxers and a tee shirt. He'll have on sweats and a sweatshirt. You'll notice that:
a) it is quiet
b) you two are alone, and just made eye contact for the first time in a week.
As the sweats and boxers and tee shirts are flung into a very unsexy heap in the corner, you'll realize you've been married "X" number of years, and this is still fun.
Well, Whaddya Know?
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CommentsLoading...
Very (very) funny. and ooooh so true.
Cindy:
I was hoping other women would relate, and get a chuckle. Thanks for stopping by, and commenting!
Teresa:
If I made you smile, I did my job with this hub. :-) Thanks for reading!
lol this is hilarious!! I especially like git er done sex! Thanks for the laugh!
Triplet, thanks! I KNOW you can relate to a couple of the categories, because. . .well. . .you have TRIPLETS! If I'd had triplets, I would have lied and said my OB recommended a 4-6 month recovery period, even if they were delivered via c-section performed by the stork himself. ;-)
Okay, i am breaking the gender barrier...I have nothing. What about the " i gotta go to work, it has been two weeks, i am going to be at the casino for three nights"get 'er done sex?
hysterically funny! I really, really enjoyed this hub.....
Hehe, truly funny...glad to see you can laugh about it all! :P
Priceless! I may have to steal your topic and write the over fifty version. Oh, wait . . . that's no sex, sex.
LOL funny hub! I'll definately be back to read more!
a very nice hub! I was laughing while reading it!! thank you!
The way I feel about men these days, I'd sooner boycott them entirely than entertain any urge one might have to do anything.
lol! I have to agree on all kinds of sex mentioned above... but at my house, I'm the one that fixes everything. My husband's about as mechanically inclined as a turtle. So I like to call that one "I need a new table saw" sex. Or maybe "Wow, I saw a great price on drywall at Lowe's" sex. Don't forget "I can never have too many shoes" sex. They're easy like Sunday morning, aren't they? Great hub!
Love the Well, Whaddya Know! kind. Great read!
Delightfully true and comically spoken! It is always nice to read something that feels like a conversation with friends...Well done!
Very Interesting,but what about the "I Like to have Sex"
Hehe, truly funny. I really enjoyed this hub
very funny and so true, keep them coming
Very funney indeed. I really enjoyed reading it.
LOL Thanks for the giggles! :D
well written men are sx addicts its real good reading your work well done mike
Pest: it sounds to me like you have the makings of your own article there, LOL!
LG & Feline: Thank you for reading & commenting!
Druneric: You have my written express permission to steal the topic and write a hub for the over 50 set. LOL! I would read it.
This was a great post! Hi-larious and too true!!
Cherish, thanks for reading and commenting. :-) Glad you got a chuckle!
You mastered this one, MotherHubber! This was great--and oh so true! You gotta love 'Whaddya Know'! It's never quiet enough around here.
You always have such fun reads!
When I saw the title, I almost clicked out again. How could anyone write a teeheehee funny, hysterical hub about...you gotta be kidding...*married* sex.
Well, Whaddya Know - you did it!!!!! Loved it! Right on!
Laughing Mom - thanks for reading and commenting! I really appreciate your remarks & support. I am with you. I really wish it weren't always so loud at my house, if ya know what I mean!
Jama, thanks for your comments! Thanks for becoming my fan! I'm still new to writing after a lonnnnnnnnng absence, so the support is really appreciated. :-) I'm so glad you got a chuckle from the hub.
MH, however long the absence was, you've still got "it". You keep right on doing what you're doing and you'll be fine! It's much later here in the Midwest than CA, so 'nite...
ROFLMAO! The only one you forgot was the "It's been how long since we had sex?"sex.
Sex, Sex, Sex, period 365 days a year, Get'r done !!!!! Great read and honestly, honest!!!!!Lolololol:)
That was really funny, thanks for the laugh!
And you have really cute kids. Just wait till they grow up and become teenagers and roll their eyes at you when you go to take a "nap"!
:-)) Trust me, MotherHubber. I know EXACTLY what you mean!
Keep 'em coming! Your hubs are great!
I love the statistic your hubbie came up with about the average couple doing it 6-8 times a week. Yeah right! I do truly believe that most married couple should have more sex. If it were up to my husband it would probably be twice a day. At times, I've thought of asking our GP to prescribe him some Un-Viagra. I guess I shouldn't complain but sometimes it can be annoying. Good subject. Thanks!
One of the best hubs I've read yet...thanks for the nive break and great reading!
From your picture I know you guys did it at least three times! I very much enjoyed this Hub and inspired to write about sex and the really, really married man someday.
Git 'er done sex. Yep. That's one right from the playbook! Love it!
I know my parents had sex 5 times - once when they got married, then 4 kids. That was it (-:
rofl! this was great. what about, you just got some kinky underwear sex or I LOVE HAVING SEX sex lol
i love the groundhog day part
Silver, I am so mad at myself now! You are RIGHT ON about the "It's Been How Long Since We Had Sex Sex"!!! Rats! (Just recently had some of that, in fact, LMAO!!)
AEvans, if you're saying you have sex 365 days a year, or that you would want to, we can't be friends anymore. :)
MauKat, when these kids are old enough to drive cars, I should have enough material for at least 1-2 novels, and a screenplay. I shudder to think of it!
Laughing Mom, thanks for reading! I have to help you live up to your user name, right? :-) So happy to help with that.
StephanieP!? Un-Viagra!? LOL! I have strong feelings on that subject. In fact, I wrote a blog entry about Viagra Commercials a while ago, which I should revise into a hub. Un-Viagra would be AWESOME. Please, please write that hub!
Save Cash, thank yuo for the compliment! I am flattered. I'll keep writing if you keep reading.
Tom, I have my father convinced that those kids were left on our doorstep ;-) Shhhhhhhhhh. . .Oh, and I woudl ABSOLUTELY love to read about "Sex and the REALLY REALLY Married Man." I think it would be a good read! Go for it!
New Day, I am glad you know what I mean. The shutters on the front of my house are in dire need of a coat of paint. The paint has been sitting on my porch for 2 weeks. When I mentioned this to my husband, he told me to go reference myself. Um. . . . .I am afraid he was referring to this article! LMAO!
LG- I prefer to think my brother and I were left by the stork, but judging by pictures of my parents in the 1960's and 1970's, I know that our conception probably had something to do with a water bong and the back of a van conversion!
Jon, Jon, Jon. Kinky underwear sex? This is about Sex and the MARRIED woman. Try "Just got a new Six-Pack of Hanes Her Ways-From-Target-Sex" because, sadly, that's what we're wearing these days! LOL! So glad you got a good laugh at the expense of my sorry sex life. Happy to oblige!!
very funny hub - loved it - particularly the statistics that you can twist anyway you want them to read!...cheers
This is sooo true:) You added a funny 'touch' to it, thanks!
Thanks, AJ! Yes, my husband makes shit up all the time. It's pretty funny!
awesome
awesome
talking to my mates about this, how about, "OK, but then I'm going to sleep" sex?
hahah thanks for summing it up.. even though I wasn't supposed to read that lol now I'll know when to expect it :)
What a laugh - enjoyed it! And I couldn't help nodding right through - especially about the statistics - where do men get their figures from?? Oh, and loved the comment about un-Viagra :D
lol - hilarious hub!
Uhmmm! When was the last time, I had one? Errrrrr, you made think of something that I've been trying to shrug off my thoughts.
Very amusing hub. I'd like to have sex now! LOL
My hubby gets all his statistics from Men's Health....
he's particularly fond of articles about preventing prostate problems by having lots of sex
I have experienced the "Lets do that again" sex with one of my loves, and had to say, we may have to wait a while. Very embarrassing! We Men are disadvantaged sexually!
Very funny indeed :)
I'm sorry but I hated this article.. Please come over and dump on my article in return.. ;)
But honestly, this smells like the reward/punishment system that so many couples (women) have in place, and it is a silent killer for true passion as far as I'm concerned.
""Well, Whaddya Know!? Sex"
I understand that you can not always have sex like that when you have kids around.. But if you PLAN to SEDUCE your guy, you will find loads of opportunities to rekindle the kind of "in love", silly, naughty sex that you had when you were gf/bf.
Personally I hate guys who get domesticized and agree with patterns like this. I like my men to be dominant, sexually. In the relationship we are equal - but in the bedroom we have our "positions" :P
I think that is a common trend which has always been there in humans, but it doesn't get much attention because it is regarded as "anti feminist" for a few decades.
As soon as this stigma is abandoned, there will be a lot more steaming sex going on nation wide :)
How about "surprise your spouse" ---that's always fun. You know, scavenger hunts, tie a ribbon to the door and snake it around the house, and the like. Use your imagination....you let your brain go and you know what goes next!
I have to give this one a HELL YES...I am not ashamed to express that is so true. You have to give it to your hubby like he never had it before...keep him drooling over you.. I know me and my hubby have a fulfilling intimate life and its because we do all kinds of things...keeps it exciting. =)
Ah MotherHubber the ravages of Time. Have you not heard of "OldTimers" Sex.
Husband "Sex dear"
Wife "It's in the bathroom cabinet behind the toothpaste"
**Covert and Sheena**
Thanks so much for reading, and enjoying! I appreciate the comments. Thanks!
**Earnest**
Your honesty made me laugh! I think we've all been there - men AND women - so don't berate yourself too much over that. :-)
**Shamela** Thanks for the comment! Appreciate you taking time to read my hub.
Essy, I will totally understand if you don't join my fan club. :) I'll pass on the invitation to dump on one of your articles in return, but I would love to know 2 things:
1. How long have you been married? (I'm guessing you're not married, or you've been married less than 5 years)
2. How many kids do you have? (I'm guessing 0 and/or your animals are your babies.)
But maybe I am wrong?
**Dink**
I totally agree about surprising your spouse! I think mine is surprised every time we do it! LOL :)
Thank you for taking the time to read my hub. Much appreciated!
**JJ**
Now THAT would be a good How-To hub! I would absolutely read it! ;) Thanks so much for reading and commenting.
**Agvulpes**
So that is what I have to look forward to? LOL I better keep my sense of humor well into my 80's! Thanks for reading!
MotherHubber, you will not have anything to worry about with your 3? beautiful children you will stay young and grow with them. Then if you are as fortunate as me, you will have grandchildren with which to spend your 2nd childhood. And all will be well!
God Bless
Hey, my husband pulls that statistics stunt on me, and he's not a psychology major, he's an electrician! But yes, sparks do still fly from time to time even after 18 years together! Great hub BTW. Certainly made me smile!
MotherHubber, I have to write something now...till now I was using my ID just for reading but now I wil be writing.
thanks and great stuff
Owais
MotherHubber, I have to write something now...till now I was using my ID just for reading but now I wil be writing.
thanks and great stuff
Owais
**Agvulpes** Love the idea of a second childhood via grandchildren. :) Thanks for making me smile, and for stopping by.
**Amanda** No fair! If you're married to an electrician, the sparks are probably flying all the time! :) Thank you for reading, and relating. I appreciate your comment!
**Owais** Wow! If I was able to inspire you to write, that is awesome! I usually just aim to poke fun, entertain, and amuse, but what you said really touched me. Thank you for sharing that! I can't wait to read your hubs. All best!
Very funny! I needed that. This is always such a serious topic in our household (the 6-8 times a week stat was thrown at me for a long time, ha ha). It's nice to laugh about it. Thanks and good morning!
Lindsay, I'm happy to oblige. Glad you got a laugh over it ~ that's exactly what the article was intended to do. :) ~mh
what about the "im pantasizing bout anudder man sex", or gee whiz i wish it was bigger !
Very funny... LOL. Thanks for the laugh.
**Kit Kat**
Were you privy to documentation pertaining to the dissolution of my first marriage? Because that just sent a shudder down my spine. LOL! Thanks for reading.
**McStir**
Glad you laughed, that was what I'd hoped. Thanks for the comment!
For the older ones among us how about Sex at Viagra Falls sex
Sandman, I have something for that. . .
http://hubpages.com/hub/Up-All-Night-My-Thoughts-O
:-) Thanks for reading and commenting!
~mh
"This is always such a serious topic in our household (the 6-8 times a week stat was thrown at me for a long time, ha ha)."
Blimey, is that all......?
I've always enjoyed the "Have we tried this yet?" sex. It can get really interesting.
So TRUE!!
**Cowboy**
I admit, I agree. :) Thank you for reading! Thank you for commenting!
**Pkoson**
I'll check it out!
**Ganja**
Thanks for the support, sista. :)
i didin't like to express the feelings and happy about the matter that you gave the topic, because the every humen beings in the universe can mesuse the sence and sensation of the topic and the matter you are saying. That's only
**Anoop** I'm not sure, but I think you are saying that you didn't like the lighthearted tone with which I treated the topic, because everyone in the universe can measure sex in their own manner?
If I'm right, my only response is to agree with you. I have read plenty of other people's ideas on the topic over the years, and just thought I would add some humor by writing my own. :)
This is really true. Great hub you got. I enjoyed reading!
Great hub, and so true. Even if people don't like the idea, married sex gets scheduled and prioritized just like cleaning the kitchen and running the kids to soccor practice. If you don't set aside the time you'll just skip it in favor of sleep or a new episode of House. Here a few other kinds of sex I'd like to add to your list:
You have exactly one hour before I have to go to sleep.
Nana has the kids this weekend
We have a hotel room to ourselves.
Well its nice of you to start this topic. I feel the surprise element while having sex is very exciting. It rejuvenates both the partners and takes you a bit away from the monotonous positions and quickies (lest the children come in) lol. Surprise elements always excite us to the hilt.
"My husband loves to make up statistics. He never cites credible sources."
Its a fact that 90% of all statistics are made up on the spot. ;)
Cute and funny. Well done. =)
G|M
You hit the spot! I remember having a terrible experience with my wife on our anniversary date. Whadya know, Sex! is definitely the best!
lo0ol...nice hub..(Please, please do not answer that in the comments section) :D:D:D:D lo0ol
hahahaha..lol...thanks for the laugh :-)
It's amazing how you touched on all those areas just as if you were reading my mind for the last 8 years. You really understand the situations and have a way with the written word that makes me feel like you are living my life. Thanks for the laugh this morning, it was a good one.
megs
This hub is fantabulous! I was lauging the entire time I was reading this. Great job!
well written about sex tips. very infomative.thanks
It's funnny to think that special occasion sex may not be all that special. Sex certainly requires a lot of give and take between both partners along with plenty of communication. It's fun to be a little wild now and then, too.
Don, thanks for reading and commenting. I know; special occasion sex is so overrated. I think it can potentially be wonderful, but often it's not. The joy is usually found in the everyday, at least in my marriage :-)
I think that's so true . . . simple touches and flirty comments in the midst of life's stresses can be quite powerful.
Wow! you got alot of comments...just goes to show you have a for this sort of thing...(and also that sex sells)..but hey we all need a little more sex ed...so we dont look so stupid while doing it or wonder why we didnt get any last night even when all of the signs were there and the room stinking of pheromones...
Great article.Thanx!
I LOVE LOVE LOVE THIS!!! Great job!
hahahah
yoyoyo
UNIQUE TOPIC ,IT TOUCH MY FEELINGS
"Well, Whaddya Know!? Sex"
My favorite! I love your direct insight and almost explosive way of expression!
Nice hub!!!
Interesting Hub. I wrote one too: http://hubpages.com/hub/nosextonightdear
That's what I'm talkin' bout... Love this... I have one similar as well
Very well written hub! It really did make me chuckle while I was reading it. If it was your goal to put a smile on your readers' faces, then consider your goal accomplished.
Thanks for sharing this hub with the hubpages commmunity.
i thought this was really funny because it was so true. although im not married, i've been witgh my boyfriend for a long time and have had everyone of these types of sex. so funny.
Very funney indeed. I really enjoyed reading it.
what about sex with your best girlfriend because I need it too sex?
lol great hub... for those that need to see some of it..lol here is a great hub i found....not my hub but its a great hub
good post , funny
This was an enjoyable hub thanks for your input and insight, I am sure everyone has the different excuse sex stories. But if you are in the relationship you seem to be in, who needs excuses, only opportunities. I am sure many on here have those expected sex times like the holiday sex and even the Going out of town and leaving the spouse home so…. Later we can look forward to the Alzheimer’s sex….your always surprised then, and still never strayed. But the point is….we can continue to enjoy sex with the one we love….Oops the kids are gone, never miss an opportunity right?
Great job!
ultimate hub!
ultimate hub!
Read this again and thought it was still funny and well written!
Great hub,
You are right we do have all kinds of sex. And the hiliarious part is its just the kinds you have laid out so eloquently in your hubs. Great writing.
warmest regards,
chris
I can testify loud and clear - One way or another -MEN WILL HAVE SEX - MUCH SEX.
men like sex as food why is that?
What about I almost got caught sex????
Or thats not me in the picture sex???
LMAO!!! Nice hub!
Very funny hub! I have only been married for going on two years now, but can certainly agree to most of the above categories of sex. Since my husband and I have had some hard times and are living with relatives, we have the "I think we're alone now" sex!
Thanks for the giggles. With that kind of smile of my face
I can feel the twinkle coming. Thanks.
Oh So true.Not just had a hearty laugh but almost ended up rolling in the aisle.That's how much I actually enjoyed this naughty naughty wink wink hub.Keep it Up(Pun absolutely intended)and let it cummmm all out.More such hubs wud make my day night and a few weekends 2. So let em loose MH!!
Wonderful hub with a lot of humour!! Thumbs up!!
Another one to add to your list, Hurry Up, the Kids Are Asleep and I'm Not Sure How Long it Will Last...
I have gotten fed up and did the 'give it to him till he cries sex" Now he is not as greedy as he use to be.
Nice hub. Every woman should read it!
Wonderful . . . so glad you saved the "best til last".
Some interesting comments as well . . . Hmmm, what a different, interesting, confusing and varied world we live in.
LOL . . . I'll be back for more.
Best wishes - Edith
That was hilarious and oh so true :) ge
Sorry, I didn't like this hub :(
Thx, Ed. :) I like yours, too!
Lol! Just the kind of read I needed right now ;) Thank you!
I've been married for 15 years and can say, you nailed it (sorry, couldn't help that). Though in our marriage, I'm the one citing statistics (made up as they are). :-)
just ran across your hub. great stuff. i'm 68. what are you talking about?
Lol! Thank you for reading!
Thanks for relating and for commenting. Glad you enjoyed it!
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cindyvine 3 years ago
haha, you are so right! Gave me a good laugh to start the day!